SEXpert ?

DISCLAIMER: The excerpts of the following might sound very similar to people, places and situations in real life. That is because they are. Let the words go to your brain and not to your heart. Peace.

Why is the word sex such a taboo?
Why does a family watching TV go mum when a condom ad comes on?
Why do co passengers give us the burn-in-hell stare when we utter the word fuck?
These questions are just replacements for the more innocent questions we used to ask earlier.
Why can’t we buy that packet of noodles(pointing at the “Whisper” pack)?
Why is that dog on top of the other?
Sex. The first time I came across that word was in my 5th standard. It took me another 2 years to find out it could be used as a verb. But then again I had no clue what it was. Innocence. Or was it just plain ignorance?
How babies came into the world never struck me as a huge mystery. Being a proficiency prize holder right from first standard, I was fairly sure what was involved. It took me 14 years on the face of the earth to figure out that my entire hypothesis was a load of crap.
Scene: 8th standard Hindi class
Mood: A tense discussion on “Boys vs Girls- who is better?” The air, filled with passion for their own kind. An hour into the debate, it was a ticking bomb. Our own hindi teacher Mrs. Sumathykuttyamma was pitching in for girls. At the crescendo of it all, a boy stood up and played his master stroke.
Boy1: whatever it is, there is no way girls can have babies without guys!!!
ME: What stupidity??!! Girls get pregnant on their own. They don’t need guys for it.
Mrs. Sumathykuttyamma had the most peculiar smile across her face. Was my statement futuristic and feministic? Or was it just plain ignorance?
Mr.Sir Castic’s hypothesis was this: Girls are like Hens. They come from an egg. They hatch overnight. (when I was young, I mean younger, I used to check a slightly cracked egg kept in the fridge thinking it might hatch soon. 5 days later it did and it was a fine omelet.) They never hatch in daylight. Its the sunlight which turn the yellow pale chicks to colorful hens. And they eat and grow and they lay eggs. For that again, you need to keep them in a coop or catch them and put it under a basket and wait. Similarly a girl, when she turns 20 or so, gets pregnant automatically. (I should hold the church responsible for this misconception- bloody immaculate conception scam- refers to the series of events in which Mary got pregnant with Jesus without having sex). So they find a guy to take her and keep her in house until she lays the egg. You know she is going to lay an egg cos you see a huge bump on her stomach. And one fine day, when we go to visit the girl the bump is gone and there would be a tiny moving lump wrapped in a blanket right next to her. I assumed it just takes lesser time for human baby’s to hatch out of their shell. It perfectly fit into my theory of why dowry is given. The guy has to feed the girl until she lays the egg and make sure the egg is safe. Duh. Common sense. It also explained why married people always kept their locks on. The hen needs to be coop-ed.
What was a mystery to me? Sanitary pads. Girls from my class were once taken for a secret lecture and they returned with goody bags. Little black bags the contents of which they didn’t share. I was so jealous then that I didn’t get one. Once when I had asked mom regarding the same, she answered in a single line. ”It’s like a diaper for girls”. While one mystery seemed partially solved, the reason why women in their 20s who endorsed the product had to use diapers, racked up on the shelf of unsolved cases. And then eventually condoms. And their counterpart, a female condom. and then the unsettled affairs of Morning pills, dildos, homo-sexuality and what not. By the time I bid adieu to Sumathykuttyamma’s school and joined a new one, my head was a simmering cauldron of questions.
Within 48 hours of joining the new school, I unearthed the secret of life. The new light of knowledge blinded me. My hypothesis went right out the window. Mrs.Sumathykuttyamma was not smiling at me. That was silent mockery. Sumathykuttyamma’s smug smile henceforth was etched into my mind as the face of the teacher who never corrected the wrong.
Towards the end of ninth standard, I saw my first porn movie. Unlike James bond classics in which the super spy smooches the hot blonde and struggles towards the bed while the camera shifted to the fireplace, the cameras stayed spot on. From mildly arousing to erotic to shocking to disgusting to filthy to boring and finally to nauseating, that was the longest 23minutes and 38seconds of my life. It didn’t look like a pleasurable experience. I could discern that from the woman’s high pitched screams interspaced with “OH my god!!”. Was that rape?
Guys, for years atleast till you get your license(read Marriage), you keep driving your vehicle in and out of your garage and finally one fine day, you are asked to take it for a spin. That’s unchartered territory. So it would be easier if you read the manual and equip yourself with a GPS system to navigate yourself. You don’t want to get lost or blank out. Do you? Maybe it is the fear of the unknown that turns people gay. *mentally adding that to the pile of unsolved mystery*
Being over the minimum age to be having sex, (You aren’t??!! stop reading. NOW) do we know it all? Or are we ignorant?
Do you think the organ you use to pee is called kidney?
Do you think you could get yourself/your wife pregnant if you lay on the bed side by side, fully clothed?
Do you think condoms are like Nike socks? One size fits all.
Do you think a pad has special attachments to hold itself in place?
Do you think that when a dog humps for the first time, it knows what it is doing?
If the answer to any of the questions is YES, then it’s high time that you turn to the ultimate sex teacher. Not on “how stuff work” dumbass!!! Google. Type away.

A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. Trust me. If you don’t, read the above again.


PS: If you didn’t understand the dog bit, let the Sir explain it to you. On one of my friend’s dog’s first time, the dog kept humping a bitch but didn’t have a clue where to put his thing. There could be an analogous scenario in some of your cases although these days anything goes(anywhere). They had to get a “placement officer” to guide his penis to the target. I mean holding it and shoving it inside. Don’t picture it. Too late huh?