Presentation(S)kill

66 days. That’s how long I had to work in TATA to attend a real presentation. No. Not like the ones they gave us earlier pertaining whose grandson’s adopted son’s Dad is Novel Tata or where the assembly point is in case the 32,000 tonne LPG storage tanks burst. I Never really understood the point of the latter. Wouldn’t everything in 2km diameter burn to ashes? Anyhow.. coming back to the point. So this was a 2 day workshop to enlighten some officials about BS III norms.
So we all arrive in style in our vintage blue bus(1957 first edition) to the TATA management building. I was excited because this was the very first time we were being considered at par with high grade officials. Unlike Pune where we donned the role of trainees/stenographers/carpenters/mechanics/painters more than Assistant managers, this place was treating us way above our level.
Even though I was all hyper about this official lecture, my game plan was still the same.
1. Find a seat where I won’t freeze to death.
2. Ensure all the seat adjustments work.
3. Make sure the underside of the desk is completely covered so that I can text.
4. Doze off.
To my dismay none of the tables had any sort of covering in the front. So my brilliant plan to text went right out the window. "MOBILES IN SILENT MODE" was written across the board. Within minutes people started pouring in. I buried myself in the racy novel I had with me. While Ben Myers was struggling to take off Amanda’s sweater, the speaker enters escorted by a very manly woman(Lets call her Plumpelina). She started with “ Good afternoon. All of us assembled here know Mr.Speaker. But I will give a brief introduction about him as most of you don’t know him”. May be she is more like Dumbelina. Oblivious to the silent mockery from Sir Castic, Plumpy started reading from the paper she held…”Mr.Speaker graduated from MIT….” Don’t bother holding your breath. Its just Madras Institute of Technology. “…in 19-something and worked for Tata motors for 33 years….” What a loser.…”and is retired now”.
Suddenly Plumpy switches gears from weight lifting to air lifting mode. “ The fire exit is on the right side of the room. Usage of tobacco in any form is prohibited. Please keep you cell phones in silent mode and do not pick calls.” I was expecting her to go on with “In Tata we put your safety first. Thanks for choosing Tata. We look forward to working with you again. The temperature outside is 22 degrees. Enjoy your stay.“
Even after all this, Mr. Speaker had a grave expression on his face. Why so serious? Did someone die?
Mr.Speaker: I was going to cancel this presentation.
Me: that makes me feel so special
Mr.Speaker: One of my relatives passed away today.
Me: Damn!! I could be making a fortune writing horoscopes and reading tarot cards.

Click. Click. Opens the 411-slides short PPT.
Slide one….. “Engine:vehicle=heart:body”
Groan. It was going to be a long long long afternoon. While Mr.Speaker was explaining to us What CI and SI engines are, both my mentors from the department were fast asleep. While the tall teacher tried to keep his heavy eyelids propped up, the short scholar(I am not referring to myself :P. And yes. He is shorter than me)kept his specs on the table and peacefully started dozing off.

Slide 21: Piston rings: they have Ni-iron casted piston ring rest.
Smartass from the back row: What are the piston ring rest made of?
With employees like them, how is Tata still managing to be in business? Must be some BKD. (BKD=Baap Ki Dayas= guys who take their father’s Job like a family heirloom).

"ting ta di tang ti gi ting ta di tang...." No one ever keeps their mobiles in silent mode. Do they? Back to sleep.

After an hour, I woke up to see people getting off their chairs and stepping outside. My happiness was short-lived. The lecture wasn’t over. It was just the tea break. I look at the screen. Slide:43. Groan.
Tea wasn’t a strong enough stimulant to counter the hypnotic sleep inducing lecture. My eyelids gave up without a fight. Someone was right when they said the hardest thing to lift is ones eyelids after lunch.
As I started counting sheep yet again, it dawned on me that no matter how old one gets or how many ever presentations one attends sleep always prevails. No wonder my seniors got the taxes done or updated their blogs or watched the series they downloaded the previous day in this precious time. I shouldn’t be complaining. I am getting paid approximately Rs.4.33 per minute to sleep. Maybe BS III stands for Bull Shitting – Irrelevant Information Input. So the next time I will be ready with gadgets and tasks to keep me busy.
Slide 99: Cam shaft features.
Groan. Some lessons you learn the hard way. 99 down. 312 to go.